Your Promise, My Destiny
by ArmagonAuthor
Summary: Sam Winchester is anything but perfect. He's stuck between his unfulfilled destiny and his need to be good, and remembers Dean's promise to kill him if he ever went darkside. One-shot.


**This fanfic is set to take place a couple days after the episode Metamorphosis: The boys are looking for new things to hunt, and they thought that they would leave Carthage Missouri immediately after their last hunt so they wouldn't draw attention to themselves. They are now in Washington State, where they plan to stay until word comes of a hunt.**

**There is still tension between Sam and Dean, but things are starting to die down. Dean desperately wants things to be back to normal again, but Sam, still emotionally scarred from his last few confrontations with his brother, has come to conclusions that Dean cannot help him. He needs to deal with this himself, to save himself, however and whatever that may come to.**

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"So where are we stopping?" Dean feigned normalcy, looking over to his brother in the passenger's seat. "Sam?"

Sam tore his eyed away from the scenery outside his car window, deep in thought. "What?"

"Best Western or Holiday Inn?" Dean sighed sarcastically. "They both sound fantastic."

"Um… whatever. It doesn't matter to me," Sam mumbled, still not listening.

"Well aren't you a happy camper," Dean looked over to Sam, who was looking out the window again. "You okay Sam?" Dean asked after a minute.

_What do you think?_ Sam forced a smile. "Just a little tired."

Dean huffed, not entirely convinced and threw Sam another curious glance before moving his eyes back to the road.

Sam looked back out the window, his smile quickly fading. Every look Dean gave him seemed laced with the possibility of what Dean was really thinking. _Freak. Demonic Freak. Physic Freak._ _Lying Freak._

Dean pulled in to the first hotel they came to, and Sam had his door open before the car even came to a stop. He grabbed his bag, and Dean threw him a weird look. "In a hurry?"

Sam gave a half-hearted shrug as he headed for the door. "I'll sign us in."

With heavy footsteps that had nothing to do with being tired or not, Sam stepped into the hotel lobby, avoiding the gaze of most everybody there while attempting to smile and look normal at the same time. He dropped his bag on the floor in front of the counter, and looked up at the young blonde working behind it. "I'd like a room for the week, two singles please." He pulled a credit card from his pocket, and slid it across the table.

The woman smiled at him, taking the credit card and sliding it through the register, typing in the information. "Will that be all?" She smiled her flirty little smile again, handing him two door keys, and Sam nodded.

"Yes, thanks." Sam took this credit card again, leaving the woman looking a little surprised as he grabbed his bag and left without returning the smile. _Don't worry;_ _I'm doing you a favor. _"Room three-thirty-four." Sam walked over to Dean as he entered the lobby with his bag, and handed him one of the keys.

"'Kay…"Dean took the key hesitantly, unsure of why Sam was in such a hurry.

Sam didn't bother to offer an explanation. He didn't know if he had any more explanations left in him, after so many years of trying too. Maybe that was why he had begun lying so much, because he knew that Dean didn't understand. No one understood. He was a living time bomb; how could he explain that to his brother?

After they had put away their things, Dean sighed. "I feel like a beer," he offered. "I saw a bar down the street. You want to go?"

"That's okay," Sam shrugged, shuffling things in his bag and pretending he was actually doing something productive. "I think I'll just relax here. I'm not really feeling that well."

"Whatever, your loss." Dean grabbed the keys and gave Sam a wave of goodbye before shutting the door behind him.

Sam locked the door once he was sure Dean couldn't hear him. He hadn't flinched at the lie. Heck, he had been lying ever since Dean's death, his resurrection, since everything. Besides, he couldn't let Dean know anything was wrong. Well… anything _else_. He needed a break. To be alone. To think about everything that had been haunting him since Carthage.

Dean's words still echoed in his head, mingled with memories of everything else that had happened in his head. The memories blended and mingled until they were like a whirlpool drowning him.

_"Dad told me something…"_

_"You're the only one who can do it. Promise."_

_"…Something about you."_

_"Whatever this is, you can fight it." _

_"Not forever."_

_"Show your brother the killer you really are Sammy."_

Sam put his back to the door, sliding slowly down to the ground, and rested his elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

_"He's got something evil inside him… something in his blood. Maybe you can relate."_

_"You're going to have to do things that go against that gentle nature of yours."_

_"Am I supposed to go dark side or something?"_

_"Castiel said that if I don't stop you, he will."_

_"You have no idea what I'm going through. None."_

_"Then enlighten me!"s_

"Strange place for a nap, don't you think?"

Sam looked up to see Ruby, legs crossed, sitting on the bed across from him.

"What do you want?" Sam asked angrily, looking up at her.

"Town an hour out," Ruby glared back. "Two demons. I was _hoping_ for some help, but I guess that's too much to ask."

"Do it yourself," Sam's voice was bitter as he pulled himself to a stand. "I'm done with this. I'm done with all of it."

"Excuse me? I must not have" –

"You know what, don't even say it. We both know you heard me correctly, so drop the smart ass routine."

Ruby scoffed, uncrossing her legs to stand up and walk over to the other side of the room. "What's going on with you?" She turned around, frowning.

"I'm not doing this anymore Ruby," Sam looked her in the eye, desperate for her to understand. "I can't."

"So you don't want to save lives anymore?"

"I don't want to destroy myself!" Sam shouted back. "I don't want to find out what this is going to do to me! You can do this all you want Ruby, you're _already_ a demon. _My_ soul is still at sake here!"

Ruby raised an eyebrow, not afraid to shout back. "None of that ever seemed to worry you five months ago, did it? When _you_ summoned _me_, begging for me to show you how to save your brother. I told you it was too late, that you had your chance, but _no_, you had to try it for yourself, to see if it would really work!"

Sam glared back, wishing for something to come to mind that he could say against that, but all he could do was listen, because she was telling the truth.

"This is who you are Sam!" Ruby continued, every word an emotional blow. "You can fight it all you want, but you are always going to be this way!" She looked at Sam with desperation. "Why do you think I chose you? Because you are the only one who could even understand me! And I'm sure as hell the only one who understands what you're going though right now demon boy."

Taking a deep breath, Sam looked down, then back up at Ruby. "…Did I ever tell you that I had faith?" His voice was soft. He had lost the will to fight. "That I have a bible in my bag right now, as we speak? Did I ever tell you that an angel came to my brother and told him that if he didn't stop me from doing this, he would?" He hesitated. "I know you want to help me. But the path you are leading me in, it's is exactly what I don't want."

"Sam…"

"I don't want to be demon boy." Sam could feel himself breaking down, and he couldn't stop it. "I don't want my own brother to look at me like I'm a freak, like I'm not even human. I don't want to know that he's wondering whether I've used any powers lately, or had any visions, or exorcised any demons with my mind… I don't want an angel to have to kill me Ruby," Sam couldn't even bring himself to look at her anymore. "I don't want to become one of the things I hunt."

"Well if that's how you really feel…"Ruby seemed genuinely upset, which somehow didn't surprise Sam.

"Ruby…"Sam looked up, but Ruby was gone. She had disappeared. Sam knew he would never see her again.

Swearing to himself, Sam took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but it didn't seem to be working.

_"Slippery slope brother, just wait and see."_

With a fluid, angry motion, Sam punched the large mirror hanging on the wall beside him, shattering it into a spider web of glass. He stood there for a moment, staring at his cracked reflection. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ He collapsed on the bed, head in hands. He knew what was wrong with him. Demon blood. He had to live like this because Azazel wanted… what the hell did he want? Sam wished he had been the one to kill Azazel, for Sam to look him in the eye and tell him that he wouldn't become the thing that he wanted, that he was better than that. Except for the fact that he wasn't, not really.

Sam thought of Dean, alone at a bar or pub somewhere, chatting it up with the nearest attractive girl and adding yet another phone number to his cell phone. Was he worrying about Sam right now? Was he wondering what his freak brother was up to?

Suddenly aware that his hands were wet, Sam wondered when he had started crying. He looked up at his reflection again, the image of a man he hardly recognized. Sam had begged his brother, years ago, that that if he became something that he wasn't, he would kill him. Sam had been drunk, but Dean hadn't been. He had promised Sam, in full sobriety, to kill him if he went to the dark side. To kill his own brother. And Sam had been satisfied. Things had been so complicated back then. Little did Sam know that he would come to this, that angels would be watching him with distain waiting for him to fall, that his own brother would tell him that he was wrong, when all Sam wanted was to do some good. Maybe, Sam thought to himself, maybe this was what the dark side felt like. Maybe he had slowly drifted into it without even noticing the change. His morals had changed. His actions had changed. He had changed.

Sam's eyes drifted to Dean's bag, knowing perfectly well that the colt dwelt there with Dean's things.

And Dean had promised.


End file.
